A toddler ate a used condom left in the play area of a Chicago McDonald’s, and a couple in Utah decided to plant a bunch of razors in doughnuts to extort cash.

The Chicago Sun-Times reports mother Anishi Spencer’s claims that following a visit to the Gage Park neighborhood McDonald’s on February 4th 2012, her then two year old “coughed up a piece of the condom.” The lawsuit covers Ms. Spencer and her two sons, Jonathan and Jaquel, who were three and two at the time of the alleged incident respectively. The lawsuit blames McDonald’s for “failing to properly clean hazardous debris from an area used by children” and “for not using surveillance or inspections to uncover any ‘deviant activities’ at its eatery.” The liability suit seeks at least $50,000 in damages.

The Utah couple decided to frame a Smith’s Food and Drug store in Draper, Utah for carrying “tainted food.”

They then proceeded to plant a bunch of razor blades in a box of doughnuts they had purchased, take the box over to the Dollar Store where they worked, open the box and pass the doughnuts around, eating some themselves, and then after having swallowed a bunch of razor blades, complain about it. A co-worker they had offered a doughnut to also suffered injuries, unaware of the scam.

Unfortunately for these great criminal minds, it took all of a few minutes of questioning for police a confession from the couple. Smith’s pulled the doughnuts from store shelves to be safe, and the couple has been charged with filing a false police report and assault.