In July, 1977, Fernwood 2Night, a satirical talk show like no other, began airing as a summer replacement for Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. I was explaining this to Amy the other night as Fred Willard showed up in a cameo in yet another movie – the guy’s everywhere – and I was telling her about this wildly satirical talk show featuring Willard as sidekick Jerry Hubbard, and host Barth Gimble, played by Martin Mull.

According to the wiki entry, “Fernwood 2Nite was set in the fictional town of Fernwood, Ohio. The show satirized real talk shows as well as the sort of fare one might expect from locally-produced, small-town, midwestern American television programming. Well-known actors usually appeared playing characters or a contrivance had to be written for the celebrity to appear as themselves. (In one episode, Tom Waits’ tour bus happened to break down in Fernwood.)"

Barth and Jerry came to mind as I watched the latest video entry from Whole Foods Markets, this time on how to cook a turkey for the upcoming holidays, featuring Hosea, some dude who won Top Chef Season Five.

I so wished it was satire.

Barth, or Martin Mull captured the essence of cooking turkey in his book and 1985 mockumentary, History of White People in America, volume 1, in which Mull and Mary Kay Place engage in a Thanksgiving discussion and conclude, “You can’t overcook turkey. That’s what the gravy is for.”

When it comes to offering bad food safety advice, Whole Foods never fails. They really suck at this food safety thing. As I’ve written before, Whole Foods Market has terrible food safety advice, blames consumers for getting sick, sells raw milk in some stores, offers up fairytales about organic and natural foods, and their own CEO says they sell a bunch of junk.

Leave it to Whole Foods to use a chef to offer food safety tips.

In a 5-minute video, Hosea says to rinse the bird in cold water – don’t you’ll just spread dangerous bacteria everywhere – and during prep manages to cross-contaminates everything by touching the raw bird, then the butter saucepan, the pepper mill, the salt container, the wine bottle and so on.

A chart of suggested cooking times based on weight and whether the bird is stuffed or not is provided – it’s useless – but at least Hosea says to use a thermometer. He also says or until the juices run clear. Ignore the juices part, use a tip-senesitive digital thermometer. Hosea also says cook to 165F (correct) but then let it sit for 20-40 minutes, which is also correct, but will also raise the internal temperature by about 20F. Bring on the gravy.

In Canada, where the laws of physics are somehow different, Health Canada continues to recommend cooking all the crap out of a bird until 185F. The U.S. changed its advice to 165F years ago. When asked why, Canadian government types won’t talk. It’s a secret.

We’ve got lots of turkey cooking advice and a video from last year. And in honor of Fernwood 2Night, a clip about natural foods, the kind you may find at Whole Foods. Along with bad advice. Except it’s been disabled for sharing. So here’s Tom Waits.