Comedian Demetri Martin has a new book out, This is a Book, and a food-related except was published in Esquire today.

A few bits are below, check out Esquire for the full piece.

“I used to eat meat. I ate fruits and vegetables too, and a lot of other things people handed to me. I guess you could say I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn’t know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs, and Veal. These books, and my girlfriend who made me read them, really motivated me to become a "Vegetarian."

"I started out as a "Regular Vegetarian" (someone who does not eat meat), and then I became what is called a "Constipated Vegetarian" (someone who eats too many bananas). After that, I became what they call a "Strict Vegetarian." That’s someone who eats only fruits and vegetables that have been disciplined in some way — like, for example, corn that was grown in a perfect row, or grapes that were stomped by someone in uniform. …

“Of course, none of this has been good for my breath.”

Demetri also sketches the best charts, as those familiar with his Comedy Central show know.