From MTV, the network that brought The Hills and Jersey Shore but doesn’t actually play music videos anymore, comes Buckwild, a so-called reality show based in West Virginia. As part of an initiation, one character willingly ate raw deer meat.

Fail.

NPR published a blog saying the secret to a good kibbeh, a Lebanese dish combining raw meat, bulgur and onion, is freshness and trust.

“Freshness remains key to good, safe raw kibbeh. One must be certain of the meat’s provenance. … Of course, grinding the meat yourself at home is a surer way to know your meat is safe.”

Tell that to sick people in separate kibbeh-linked outbreaks in Ontario and Michigan.

Fail.

NPR also published a piece claiming that snow is a fab ingredient for a variety of dishes, some cooked and some raw, like New England maple syrup on snow. Snow makes a great cooler when electricity is unavailable (or when it is). I’ll stick to ice from chlorinated or tested water.

And then there’s the moose cleanse.

Did you know that pound for pound, the moose is the leanest ruminant on earth, begins a breathlessly satirical piece in The Atlantic.

Did the author know that all ruminants are natural hosts for shiga-toxin producing E. coli?

“A moose cleanse is a natural way to release those toxins, to give your body a break. It’s pure, it’s simple, and it’s natural. A moose is both in the forest and of the forest. And after just a few days on the moose cleanse, you will be too. …

“When you moose, you’ll be able to process way more birch through bark stripping than you could ever just eat at one time. This way you maximize the nutritional benefits of ingesting 10, even 15 pounds of roughage every day. Without the added burden of birch digestion – which takes a lot of time and energy – your body will be free to detoxify your liver and kidneys. …

“Because moose don’t have upper front teeth, you’ll want to make sure to avoid using yours whenever possible in order to extract the maximum possible benefits from your food.”